Everything i do is a mistake to them...

That picture i took... On my dad's birthday... Its a fake smile... A smile forced out of me by that family... That family... That only think me as a trash of the society... That family... That i...

When i was in school, My mom sent me a message. It was my dads birthday. For the first time in my life, I wanted to do something for them. After school, with the leftover money i have. I went to One Utama together with Matthew. And i was suppose to buy a gift with my remaining Rm10. We began looking around. But couldnt think what to buy. He suggested, "Underwears? Tie? Belt? But those are so off budget. I ended giving up, but then. It suddenly came to me... A birthday cake.

I took the bus home, and decided to buy the cake in a bakery near my house. And borrowed Rm10 from Matthew just in case. I went down the bus and we say good bye. As i walked towards 'Bread Story', the sky began to turn gray. I feared it would rain, and fasten my pace. When i reached there, i found several cakes that was attractive. But, not one of it was cheaper than RM22. And i was only left with RM19, i asked if they could sell it to me for RM19, but they are just employees.

I went home, on my way home, it began to rain, and i was left with no choice but to walk in the ran. By the time i reached home, i was soaked to my insides. No one was home. I went to bath and waited for the rain to stop. It didnt stop. So was i gonna stop here? Am i gonna be empty handed again this year? I went out of my house, took my bike, and cycled in the rain. Towards the bakery. Soaking wet once again, i entered the air conditioned bakery. Picking the same cake again. The same cashier from before looked at me, pitiful. And told me if this was to happen she would borrowed me 2 bucks. I told her whats done is done... And when i came out, the sky was still dark, but the rain had stopped. It was like the god wanted me to get wet on purpose.

I went home, place the cake into the fridge, and went to bath again. I could feel the cold that i already caught. I went to my desk and study again. By 6, my mom was back. All of the sudden, she came into my room and started shouting at me. saying "Why didnt you go to school today!?" And it was obvious i did. She began saying that that bitchy teacher Pn Lim Sze Lai told her i was not in school, when i dont even have a FUCKING PERIOD with her. I stayed quiet, i didnt want to fight. She went out of my room, but continued to shout at me from outside. I couldnt take it anymore and shouted back at her. This made her quiet, but also made me really mentally unstable. My heart began beating fast. I couldnt study anymore. I went to lay on my bed. And fell asleep.

Not more than 10 min, Hong woke me up. Asking me to follow him out. I told him to cut the cake with my dad. By that time, i didnt had the mood the even looked at it anymore. Afterall the things i did, i was scolded by my mom because of some bitch that told her i wasnt around. My mood is spoiled, i didnt want to do anything anymore. Hong called me again and asked me to serve the cake. I got up in a fury, and went downstairs. Ignoring the sight of my mom, i took the cake out of the fridge and went to the dining table, opening it, and placing the candles. After it was ready, i went upstairs again, laying on my bed. A while later, Hong called me for the third time, say it was time to cut the cake. I didnt want to at first, but i did.

The cake was lit up, the song was sang. It reminded me of something. That they never celebrated my birthday before. So why do i put so much effort in doing this? To just get scolded, and catching a fever and cold? Moreover, no one asked about the cake. And just cut it. Who would have guessed i was the one who bought it? Han has a car, hong has a car. Anyone of them could have bought it. But not me. I know my parents will be presuming hong or han was the one who bought it. And not me, not once. Never.

So im sitting here again, asking why did i do it? Its a question i couldnt answer. Am i retarded? A so hai?? Dont i have nothing better to do?? Whats my problem?? Whats the point in living anymore. There is nothing left. Nothing. Please... Message me something... I really need it now...

So thats what i am...

For several days now... I was talking to her on the phone... We also went out last Saturday... We also talked on Monday... And then on tuesday... She told me something that made me decide to make a move... And i did... And i never regret making that move...

Now... They are talking to each other... While i... Am sitting here... No one that thanked me... No one to talk to... Is this what i am...? ...Just a temporary person? Is that all i am worth for...?

...I guess i am ...For the thanks i get ...Was nothing ...Nothing at all ...Maybe she didnt know what i done ...Maybe she didnt know what i had done ...Or maybe ...I was thinking too much ...For someone to thank me ...Who wants to thank me ...And what for.

Yes... This is how it is... This is how it should be... To accept defeat... Is to accept the truth... And to be stupid enough to think i had a chance... ...Im such an asshole ...An idiot ...Immature ...Childish ...Short haired ...Useless

Should i... Or should i not go...

...This years ...My final year ...As a high schooler ...Prom ...Once in a life time. ...Should i go? ...Or should i wait for another year ...Its a hard decision ......AH MO!!! >-< ...What a pain in the ass ...Ill just see how things go ...I wont beg for money!!! Thats not something i would do......... Sometimes... =-=''

Its not about love anymore... Its about loneliness...

For several years... I have been sticking with the conclusion that those feelings were because of her... But now... I made another conclusion today... Its not about her... Its about why am i always alone... Why do people have someone to talk to when they need someone, while i dont... Why do i have no one to care for... Maybe thats the reason why i try to look after her... And not because i love her... But im not sure myself if thats the true reason... Only time will slowly make me realise even further...

The only conclusion i can make now is... Im lonely... Everytime when i see pictures of them together... I feel left out... At first i thought it was because i was jealous... That i wasnt with them... But now... Its just that... ......I dont know ...Maybe i feel left out ...Its not i dont have my friends... But the only thing they had done with me was Dota Dota Dota...

There isnt someone that i can talk to among them... That is why i seek them... But... Im after all just his brother... An Add-On to their group... Although they say thats not true... My inner self kept telling me so... They are always busy... With their things to handle... College... Studies... Assignments... I know its selfish of me to say so... But what else can i say...

I guess... Ill try to find someone else... But no matter how many i did find... I will never get closer... Then she is to me now... Miyuki...

Yuriko... Someone that i can ask questions... And also find when i needed someone... No matter how busy she is... She will still reply my message with a warm feeling...

I love them so much... But im smaller than them after all... How am i gonna take care of them...? ...The only thing i can do ...Is fullfil their request ...And try not to tell a lie

......Her ...I dont know anymore ...After many efforts of trying to place me in part of her life ...My efforts were all in waste ...Not a single thing i have done was mention about ...Whats the point of continuing ...Its already been almost 2 years ...How long would it take me .........To just place a little of me in her...

For almost 2 years... I thought i was in love... But now... I dont know anymore... Whats my real target in life... Just loneliness...?

Lol... What am i doing...

Lol... I say im remaking my blog right? ...Until now also havnt ...See when im free la

What ?Am I To You In Your Life?

All i ever think of is making someone happy without thinking about him/her feeling. Is what im doing now really making them feel im kind, or just annoying. After all my efforts, i just wanna know. Is my efforts really worth it? ...Im confused ...I know its selfish of me, but... ...Without an answer, I cant go on anymore... Please tell me what i really am...... Please...